So here I am years after I deleted my first blog. I started the first one when my kids were both in diapers. I find that even though I don't get the chance to write as often as I would like, when I do, I like to have it somewhere that I can look back and read and see how things have changed (or how they really are the same).
I guess my reason for this blog has a lot to do with the title. "Life Among the Shadows" came to me after a line in a book I read recently on anxiety, worry, stress, etc. It stated that Anxieties are really like shadows. They always loom over you making things look bigger and scarier than they really are.
I doubt that is a big revelation for any of you, but it sure was a light bulb moment for me. I guess maybe I had some forms of anxiety even when I was young, but I don't think I really dealt with extreme anxiety until after I had children. For everything that I worried about for myself, I worried 10 times as hard for them. Anxiety gets better and then it gets worse. I've read countless books, devotions, scriptures on the subject. I think it will be my personal " thorn in my side" until I see Jesus.
Lately, I have been reminded of Hannah, and how after receiving her long awaited baby she gave him back to the Lord. I don't think I can even imagine that type of sacrifice or commitment. I told Todd last night that it's hard enough to say "Thy will be done" for my own life, but I am only just now realizing how hard it is to say "Thy will be done" for their lives.
When I read those words it sounds like it should be easy. God is good. He is faithful. He loves my children more than I will ever be able to. So why is it so hard for my heart to obey? It's easy to trust God when you think he is going to save them and protect them and do great things in their lives. But what about when God wants us to surrender them and His will looks nothing like our wishes for their future?
When a mother prays for her terminally ill child, it's not easy to pray "Thy will be done." When a mother prays for a child who is walking through a situation that they can't remedy or control, it's not easy to pray "Thy will be done." When a child chooses a life you never wanted for them, it's not easy to pray, "Thy will be done."
This is my struggle. When my kids are dealing with things in their lives, I want to fix it, I want to make the situation better or easier for them. That's what mommies do right? From the day they are born we kiss their boo boos and feed them and love them and calm their fears. And then when we least expect it, the time comes when things begin to happen to them that we can not kiss away, or feed away or love away or calm away. WE JUST CAN'T FIX IT. Somewhere in the back of my heart He whispers, "Let them go, they are mine. I am in control."
AND IT HURTS.
Because the truth is that becoming the people He wants them to be means that they will hurt, and they will be misunderstood by people, and they will struggle with things that will make them strong, independent and caring adults. This process to become refined like gold is not for the faint of heart.
AND IT'S HARD FOR THIS MOMMA.
I read a biography once by a missionary's wife. She said that one of the hardest things she ever did was release her children to God as 5 of her 6 children were all called to the mission field. In her heart she knew there was not greater joy than to see her children following God's will for their life. But she was also all too familiar with the reality of what their life would look like and the hardships they would endure. Her children never knew how she agonized for them and the battle she fought within her heart to surrender them to the Father.
So back to the shadows..........
When I begin to worry about something, (mostly the kids) it always starts with a small thought, an idea in my head, a "what if" of sorts. Except that the "what if" does not go away, it invades my concentration. It clouds my judgement. It whispers in my hear and makes itself bigger. It tells me things are way worse then I first imagined. It tells me that I need to do something about this. I need to act. I need a plan. I need to fix it.
When I was young I would simply act on these fears. If something bad was going on at my job. Well I just found another one. If our life was not going the way I felt it should, well we can just move and start a new life. Well after a few major life "changes". I discovered a BIG secret. No matter the job, the house, the city, the situation, the church, the shadows found me. They followed me everywhere I went.
So the truth is that this blog may be a mixture of a lot of ramblings that no one other than me, myself and I will ever read, but it's also a place for me to put down in words what it's like to live a life among the shadows.
It's taken years of practice (and I certainly haven't perfected the art), but I am getting better at speaking to the shadows, and putting them in their place. However, I don't think they are ever going away, I am just learning not to listen to them as much.
